


Repercussions

by MrsHamill



Series: Raising Madison [11]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Family, Kid Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-21 03:45:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6036670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsHamill/pseuds/MrsHamill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The consequences that arise from being human.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Repercussions

**Author's Note:**

> Starts a couple weeks after the events in _Boojums and Bandersnatchers_. I was having significant problems with the second section until Elke Tanzer sat me down at Constrict and patiently told me how I was being an idiot and just write it the way I thought it should be. Extra special squishy thanks to Susan and Celtic-Tigress for beta work above and beyond the call. Oh, and my shrink said the middle part is quite plausible, so there. ;-)

1: The Easy Part

* * *

"Ronon!"

Ronon turned at the familiar voice and saw Madison running to him. He paused and she caught up with him, already chattering, just like her uncle. 

"Where you going?" She took his arm, wrapping hers around it proprietarily.

"Thinking about eating," he replied, smiling down at her. She was as devious as her uncle and Sheppard put together, but he still loved her. 

"Oh, cool! You want to do it on the mainland? I need to fly over there."

He thought about it for a second. "Sure." They always had fresher food on the mainland anyway.

"Cool! Come on!"

She tugged him to the 'jumper bay. She hesitated and glanced around before crossing the threshold, which set off a warning bell in the back of Ronon's head. When she opened the door to 'Jumper One and waved him to the co-pilot's seat, more bells sounded. "You allowed to do this?" he asked with a frown, watching her quickly run through the pre-flight he'd seen Sheppard do millions of times.

"Yeah," she replied, distracted. She seemed to be concentrating on something and shortly thereafter, the roof doors opened, letting in a shaft of sunlight. "I can't do it without an adult, though, so that's why I wanted you to come." She flashed him a brilliant smile before slowly guiding the 'jumper through the roof. "'Cause you're a grown-up!"

"One who can't fly a 'jumper," Ronon qualified. He continued to frown at her. "You didn't radio for permission before you--"

"S'okay. Um, Atlantis did it for me."

Yeah. Right. "Featherling, are you sure you--"

"It's okay, Ronon, really." The 'jumper smoothly accelerated towards the mainland. "I've just got to go to the mainland, to, uh, do something, and anyway. It's not like it's a dangerous flight."

"It could be." He continued to frown at her, listening to the alarms in the back of his head increase in volume. "Before you came here, we had a scientist die in one of these; he crashed into the ocean on the way back from the mainland and we couldn't get to him soon enough."

Her head jerked around to look at him, her eyes wide. "Huh?"

"Yeah. It was a 'jumper he was testing after it had been repaired."

She relaxed. "Oh. Well, that's okay. This is 'Jumper One, and Uncle John always keeps it cherry. Don't be a worry-wart."

Ronon subsided but continued to wonder about what was actually going on. Shortly before they reached land, he broke his silence again. "This about Jinto, isn't it?" he asked.

She flushed and he nodded to himself. "Maybe," she said, all prickly defensive. She glanced over at him and quickly back again. "Look, I've just gotta talk to him. He can't go, it's not safe!"

Well, he wasn't going to get in the middle of _that_ fight -- Jinto could hold his own and undoubtedly would. He kept quiet until she landed -- a good landing, barely a bump -- and followed her out of the 'jumper slowly. When he emerged, he saw Madison running off toward the settlement and Halling coming to greet him. 

"Hey," Ronon said, nodding to Halling.

"We were not expecting anyone," he replied, bowing slightly in greeting to Ronon.

That was the last piece of the puzzle as far as Ronon was concerned. "Yeah, I had that feeling. I'm going to put in a call to Atlantis. Madison asked about Jinto?"

Halling nodded, exchanged a grave look with him, then returned to his work. Ronon headed for the hut that housed the communication equipment for the satellite relay. 

"Atlantis base, Sgt. Campbell."

"Hi, it's Ronon."

"Hey Ronon. What's up?"

"Can you patch me through to McKay?"

"Uh... Actually, no. He's got a DND on his link."

Ronon pursed his lips together. Yeah, this was getting more suspicious by the minute. "Okay, then how about the labs? Zelenka?"

"Sure. Hang on."

After a second, he heard Zelenka's distracted voice. "Yes? What is it?"

"Hi, doc. Can you get McKay out of wherever he is? I've got a possible problem with Madison."

He could hear Zelenka's sharply indrawn breath. "Is it dangerous?"

"No, I don't think so, just... well, I'm on the mainland with her, and I'm not sure she's should be doing what she's doing."

"Oh. Um. Let me ask, but he is in middle of a touchy experiment."

Ronon could tell Zelenka was walking, then heard part of a muffled conversation. "No, not urgent," Zelenka said, then he agreed to something before speaking directly into his radio again. "McKay says to please talk to Sheppard. I'm sorry, but this is very important..."

"No problem, doc. Thanks." Ronon clicked off and stood in thought for a moment before calling Atlantis back. He asked Chuck to put him through to Sheppard, but Sheppard's had a Do Not Disturb on his radio as well. After thinking about what time it was, he asked, "Can you put me through to the infirmary? Dr. Keller?"

"Sure."

Ronon liked Jennifer Keller, she reminded him a little of his wife, Melena... which wasn't completely a good thing. Like Melena (and, for that matter, like her boss Beckett), Keller could be single-minded to the point of putting herself into danger for her patients.

When she answered, Ronon said, "Hi, it's Ronon. Is Sheppard there?"

"Hi, Ronon, yeah, he's in the bone knitter. He's going to be at least another half-hour. What's going on?"

"I've got a situation here... I'm on the mainland with Madison and I'm not completely sure what she's doing is allowed."

"Hm." They both knew Madison pretty well and Ronon could tell the same warning bells he heard were ringing in Keller's head. "Who's with you?"

"That's just it, nobody is. She said she could fly a 'jumper as long as an adult went with her."

"Uh-oh."

"Yeah."

"Look, I can't disturb John now, but I think you'd better contact Elizabeth about this."

Ronon sighed. "Yeah, I'm thinking the same thing. Thanks, Jennifer."

"No prob. I'll make sure to let John know." Before she cut the connection, though, she added, "Is this about Jinto?"

"Yeah, I think so," Ronon replied. He could almost hear her eyes roll. "I'm going to call Weir."

"Good luck."

Dr. Weir was, thankfully, in her office. "Hello, Ronon," she said. He could hear her tapping the keys to her laptop. "What's up?"

"Hi. Did you approve of Madison flying to the mainland just now?" Might as well cut to the chase, he thought, since he was already pretty sure of the answer.

The typing noise stopped. "No. Why?"

"Well, because we're here. She took 'Jumper One and flew us out here. She said it was okay as long as she had an adult with her."

Weir sighed as well. "This is about the Jinto thing, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I think so. She didn't have clearance to fly, did she?"

"No. Though I'll check to be sure. But I do know she is absolutely not to fly a 'jumper solo, and the whole 'grown-up' rule was with someone who could fly a 'jumper. And you can't."

"Right. I think I just got bowled."

There was the muffled sound of fabric and Ronon guessed she was putting her head in her hands. "Don't feel bad, you're just the first in what's going to be a long string of conquests, I think. I'll pull the logs and alert John and Rodney. In the meantime, don't let her return. Tie her down if you have to. Oh, and keep her from killing Jinto, if you can."

"I can do that, though Jinto can take care of himself. As for McKay and Sheppard, they've both got DNDs on their radios. Busy with stuff, I guess."

"Oh, really? Hm. Stay put, I'll have someone come out to get you shortly."

* * *

John was angrier than he ever remembered being. More even than when Rodney's whacko mother had threatened to take Madison from them. He was so angry it almost scared him, because he was afraid when he saw Madison again, he was going to do something rash. 

Dr. Macker and Sgt. Miller flew another 'jumper to the mainland to retrieve Madison and Ronon -- she had been scheduled to go to the mainland in the early evening anyway. When 'Jumper One returned, with Miller at the controls, John was the first one aboard, though he was closely followed by Elizabeth and Teyla. He found a sullen, withdrawn Madison sitting on one of the benches and Ronon sitting opposite her. Ronon greeted him with a nod. "Sheppard."

"Ronon. Thanks, Sergeant, you're dismissed." The look Miller gave him as he exited the 'jumper was confirmation that John's face reflected his displeasure. John eased himself down on the bench next to Ronon, leaning his crutches against the bulkhead next to him. He wanted to speak, but refrained, unsure what would come out and how much he would regret it later. Thank God for Elizabeth and Teyla.

"Madison," Elizabeth said. She stood next to Ronon while Teyla stood next to John, all four of them staring at Madison. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

Madison had her arms crossed and she was scowling at the floor of the 'jumper. 

Elizabeth shared a quick glance between John and Teyla before repeating, "Madison?"

When Madison finally spoke, her voice was just as petulant as her body language. "Nothing."

"You have nothing to say at all?" Teyla's voice carried that hint of marshmallow-covered menace John had heard directed at himself every now and then. "Perhaps you would like to explain to us why you stole a 'jumper--"

"I didn't _steal_ it," Madison interrupted, not looking up. "It's not like I was going to keep it or anything and I _did_ follow the rules, a grown-up was with me."

"Technically, that's all true," Elizabeth said. "However, you did break the law in 'borrowing' it. You knew your restrictions and you ignored them."

"I needed to go to the mainland."

"You did not," Teyla replied. "There was no 'need' involved at all. From what I understand, you merely wished to go to the Athosian settlement in order to speak to Jinto."

And from what John understood, there had been no 'speaking' involved; screaming was more like it, allegedly. He could really hear it in his head, too. There were times when, like her uncle, Madison could be extremely... well, forceful was maybe a good, diplomatic way to put it. Bull-headed might be more accurate, though. John had considered them all lucky she was generally more laid-back than Rodney and hoped this wasn't the beginning of a new trend.

Madison didn't respond to Teyla's words, so Elizabeth glanced at John again, before turning back to Madison. "This is not a minor infraction, Madison. You broke a rule you promised to follow, and in doing so, compromised the safety of Ronon and yourself. You are prohibited from the 'gate room and the 'jumper bay, unless accompanied by either Dr. McKay or Mr. Sheppard, for a period of one month."

That got Madison's attention, finally. She looked up, her eyes wide and shocked. "One _month_?"

"And you are also prohibited from the Athosian settlement for the same period," Teyla added. "Which means you will not be able to attend Jinto's farewell ceremony."

" _What_?" Her gaze skittered between them. "But..."

"There will be no 'buts' allowed," Teyla said, her voice firm. "I do not know what restrictions John and Rodney will place upon you, but my restriction--"

"And mine," Elizabeth said.

"--is quite firm. There will be no reprieve, Madison." Teyla nodded at Elizabeth. "What you have done is very serious and we hope to force an understanding--"

"But that's not right! Jinto shouldn't have to go, there are still _Wraith_ out there and he could--"

"It is the Athosian way, Madison." Teyla's voice was flat. "Jinto is now of the age to be apprenticed. It is a great honor to him and to his family that Mattas of Belkan has accepted him. That you persist in arguing this point has become tedious and obstructive."

John could tell Madison was seconds from crying and was fighting it tooth-and-nail. John found himself wanting to shake some sense into Madison, which only pointed to his frustration with her. And Rodney too, he supposed. Like uncle, like niece, at least in this case.

"I'm just waiting for an apology," Ronon said, once Teyla and Elizabeth seemed done and Madison had settled back into wounded silence.

Madison wrapped her arms around herself tightly and bit her trembling lower lip. She was back to looking at the deck of the 'jumper, staring a hole in it. John noticed one tear dripping down before she harshly swiped at her face with the back of her hand. After a long silence, Ronon stood and silently left the 'jumper. Elizabeth followed him, squeezing John's shoulder as she passed him. 

With the help of his crutches, John stood. "Come on," he said, striving to keep his voice neutral and bland. "It's time to go home."

Teyla accompanied them and John was glad of it. Rodney wouldn't be home -- Rodney was never home lately, claiming he had a ton of work to do in the labs, which also pissed off John -- and John really didn't want to face meting out this particular punishment alone. He was still so angry it was hard to keep from shaking. The bone knitter machine -- yet another Ancient gizmo they'd just started to use -- always took a lot of energy from him and having this on top of it was completely draining.

Madison walked ahead of them silently, her arms still wrapped around herself. Teyla kept pace with them and remained silent as well. John was pretty sure she knew what was going on in his head; she'd had that uncanny ability nearly as long as he'd known her.

They finally reached the apartment and Madison opened the door. "Go to your room," John said as he entered, and she did, nearly stomping across the floor before sliding closed the door to her room with more force than was necessary. John made his way to the sofa and gently collapsed on it, lifting his leg onto the coffee table. 

Teyla sat on the table, facing him. "Will you be all right?" she asked softly.

John scrubbed his face with his hands. "Eventually, I think." He took a deep breath. "I can't believe she did that."

"She has strong feelings for Jinto, John." She smiled sadly. "And they are returned, I believe. Finding out he was leaving for an extended period, so soon after nearly losing you, has created significant stress in her. She would not have acted as such without it."

"It's not going to get her off the hook, though," John said, and Teyla nodded soberly. "And it doesn't help that Rodney hasn't been home for more than five minutes in the last week," he muttered, swallowing down his anger. Christmas was only a few weeks away but Rodney hadn't even mentioned decorations, let alone getting them out. And John was absolutely not going to risk more damage to his leg by doing it alone.

Teyla studied him for a long minute. "How is your leg?" she finally asked.

He shrugged. "Better. Carson thinks by the end of the week I'll only need a cane, I'm already up to light pressure on it, which is good news; I'm getting sick of the cast and the treatments." The cast was only a thin, Ancient pseudo-plastic thing that didn't weigh too much and even allowed him to shower. But it wouldn't fit under any normal clothes so he was reduced to wearing loose sweatpants all the time.

She nodded gravely. "I am glad, John." She hesitated and took a breath before speaking again. "If I may advise, wait until Rodney is home before deciding on a punishment. It should come from both of you, as a united front. If she can, she will divide you, not through malicious intent, but because that is what children do when faced with such a situation."

That made a rather unfortunate load of sense, John thought, sighing once more. "Yeah. I think you're right. I'm going to call Radek and ask him to pry McKay out of the lab and home."

"Good." She smiled and patted his leg. "I shall have dinner delivered to you tonight from the mess. Rest as much as you can."

"Thank you, Teyla," he said, as sincerely as he could. He hoped she knew how much her help with Madison meant to him, because he was lousy about actually speaking the words.

* * *

Rodney dragged himself out of his lab after running the last simulation of the day. He really needed to go over the findings, but he was going to have to get something to eat first. Unfortunately, he ran into Radek before he could escape.

"John has called for you," Radek said, giving him a narrow-eyed glare. "There has been an incident involving Madison and he needs you home."

Well, that was the last thing Rodney needed to hear. "Shit," he muttered. A glance at his watch told him it was more than an hour after dinner, too.

"McKay." Rodney looked up into Radek's level gaze. "Go home. You have been here constantly for the past week or more. You must get more sleep or you will start making mistakes and I will be unrelenting in pointing them out to you, many, many times."

Rodney knew he was right, on both counts. But it was... odd, difficult... going home. It was like he didn't want to see John, didn't want to be reminded of... things. So he'd thrown himself into his work, only returning deep in the night to sleep, and only when he had to or fall over. He'd always made sure to be gone before John woke, too. He knew he had promised John he wouldn't do exactly what he was  doing, but Rodney just couldn't face John and the cast he wore on his leg. Heightmeyer had been after both of them, but so far they had managed to avoid her. Well, Rodney had.

Reluctantly, Rodney walked back home, his stomach grumbling about the lack of food. He hoped he could find something in their kitchen to tide him over until he could get back to the lab -- he really didn't want to cook and didn't want to ask John to cook for him. As he approached the door, he heard a faint sound and when he opened the door, he realized John and Madison were screaming at each other. 

She was standing by the door to her room and John was leaning heavily on his crutches, standing beside their dining table. The remains of what must have been dinner were spread across it. "I don't care!" she shrieked as Rodney stood unnoticed, shocked and frozen, in the doorway. "You don't give a damn about me and what _I_ want and I don't care! And I _don't_ have to do what you tell me to do! It's not like you're my father, anyway!"

"You will do as I say because I said so!" John bellowed back and Rodney's jaw dropped. "Get in your room _now_ , before I send you down to the infirmary with a blistered behind!"

"John?" Rodney asked hesitantly, looking between them. Madison's head jerked in his direction as he spoke, but she only shut her mouth, glared at him and slammed into her room. "What the _hell_?"

"Nice of you to join us, McKay," John snarled. He stacked the two dishes and carried them to the kitchen, awkward with the single crutch he could use with one hand full. Rodney made an aborted move to help him, but the anger on John's face kept him rooted to the floor. "If you want dinner, you can help yourself. Teyla brought enough for three since we _thought_ you might be eating here for a change."

"Um... thanks?" He followed John into the kitchen and saw the box the food must have come in. "What the hell is going on here?"

With a clatter, John dropped the dishes in the sink. "I've just confined your niece to quarters for two weeks, though now I'm leaning towards a full month." He threw a dishrag to Rodney. "Here. Clean off the table."

Rodney caught the damp cloth but didn't move. "You did what? Why? What's--"

It was a good thing their dishes were the unbreakable kind -- John threw an innocent cup into the sink with enough force to shatter ordinary ceramic to smithereens. "Maybe if you'd been around more you'd know!" he almost roared. "For your information, then, your niece stole a 'jumper today and flew to the mainland in order to yell at Jinto." He limped over to Rodney, grabbed the cloth and continued to the table. "She seemed to think conning Ronon into accompanying her was sufficient adherence to the rules."

Gaping, Rodney watched John sloppily cleaned off the table. He wanted to help but he couldn't have moved for a full ZedPM. "She... stole...?"

John must have come down on his leg wrong as he walked back to the kitchen because he winced and hissed in discomfort. "Eat something, Rodney, then you can go in and talk to her yourself. I'm going out."

"Out? Where?"

"I don't know. Anywhere." John didn't look back as he opened the door and left.

Still rooted to the spot, Rodney felt the city shift under him, like having his own, personal earthquake. Before he could make up his mind whether to see her, his stomach reminded him of its emptiness. Reluctantly he turned to the kitchen and looked in the box, which contained a mostly-eaten casserole, creamy noodles with some kind of meat -- chicken? Whatever, it was food and Rodney ate it, not tasting a bite.

After cleaning up, he took a deep breath and went to Madison's door, knocking softly. "Maddie?" There was no answer so Rodney pushed it open. "Madison?"

"Go away." The room was dark but he could see her, huddled into a ball on her bed. "Go away!" she screamed again as he entered.

"Don't think so." He turned on the desk lamp. By its light he could see the tear tracks on her face and her puffy eyes, see the wastebasket overflowing with used tissues. He could also see her baleful glare. 

He pulled her desk chair out and straddled it, backwards. "You want to tell me what happened?"

"No."

"Let me rephrase that. Tell me what happened."

"No!"

"Not an option, Madison."

"I'm sure you already know all about it from Aunt Teyla and Aunt Elizabeth and I _don't want to talk about it_!"

"Tough. Talk."

"Fine!" She twisted until she was facing him. "I needed to go to the mainland to talk to Jinto and I  knew nobody would take me so I got Ronon, so I'd have an adult with me, and we took 'Jumper One except Ronon turned into a dirty rat and called Aunt Elizabeth and Dr. Susan came out with Sergeant Brian and made us go back and Aunt Teyla said I couldn't go back to the mainland for _an entire month_ and it's not _fair_!"

Rodney blinked. He thought she'd gotten that all out in one breath. Impressive. "So you stole a 'jumper."

"I didn't steal it!" she screeched. "I followed the damn rules!"

"Language, Three-M," Rodney said, narrowing his eyes.

"Fuck off, Uncle Mer!" she fired back, scrubbing the new tears off her face with her hands.

Rodney didn't move, couldn't move. He had no idea who this little brat was, because whoever it was certainly didn't sound or act like his niece, like the sweet, generally good-natured child he'd been struggling to raise. Finally, he said, "John told me he'd grounded you for two weeks. Frankly, I think you're going to be lucky to keep it to just two weeks. I'm going to require some serious attitude adjustment before lifting that restriction, Madison."

"Whatever! I don't care!" she yelled at him. "It's not like anyone has bothered to _listen_ to me and what I want anyway!"

"Oh, I disagree there," Rodney said, struggling to keep his voice low. "I think the entire city, not to mention all the Athosians on the mainland, know what your opinions are. Jinto is going to Belkan and there's not a thing you can do about it, Madison. You might want to get used to the idea."

She didn't answer him, but did turn her back to him. He sighed and rose, closing her bedroom door behind him as he left. It was no wonder John was pissed at him, having to deal with that fallout. With John pretty much confined to quarters, Rodney had been completely willing to rely on him to deal with Madison and he knew that was wrong. It was just so... difficult at the moment.

He stripped and took a long, hot shower, trying to decide whether he was hoping, not hoping -- maybe worried that John would be back by the time he was done. But John wasn't, so Rodney stretched out on their bed to wait for him. Next thing he knew, sunlight was coming in through the windows, which he had forgotten to polarize. He heard John in the shower and, like the coward he was, he made his escape back to the labs before John could emerge. Yeah, he should have stayed, but he just couldn't face John and his past. No, that was wrong, his _cast_ , not _past_. Because there was nothing about John's recent past that could make Rodney upset at all.

* * *

John ended up spending the night in his old quarters, on a too-small bed. He'd forgotten to take any of his pain meds before he left the apartment and toughing it out meant a very restless night. When he finally returned just before dawn, he found Rodney asleep on their bed, not under the covers, drooling on John's pillow. 

He stood there for a long time, at the foot of his bed, staring at Rodney. They hadn't really slept together since... since John was injured. At first, it had been awkward to accommodate two adult men and one large cast so Rodney mostly slept on the couch. Then, as the cast had gotten smaller and John had gotten better, Rodney began nearly living in his lab, clearly avoiding John as much as John was avoiding him. And it was wrong. All of it.

What he wanted to do was crawl into bed with Rodney, wrap Rodney up in his arms and just... well... snuggle. But he was consumed with the idea that Rodney might want sex, and John wasn't ready for that. Deep down in a little hole in the back of John's mind, a voice told him there was something quite massively wrong about that, but John had had a lifetime to practice repression; he was nothing short of a master of the art. So, he decided to punt it all and go take a shower.

Of course, when he'd finished and come out of the shower, leaning heavily on one crutch, Rodney was gone. It made John irrationally angry -- hadn't he been _avoiding_ McKay? -- and he decided to spend as little time in the apartment as he could. He made sure Madison ate and bathed, made sure she attended her classes and returned to the apartment straight after. He went to his physical therapy and sessions with the bone-knitter (and why no one had thought up a better name for it he had no idea) on schedule. But when it came time to sleep, he ended up back to his old quarters. He made sure Atlantis piped live feed from the apartment, just in case, but Madison hadn't had night terrors for years. He was pretty sure she'd outgrown them.

Atlantis was a better babysitter than John could ever be, anyway.

He heard Beelz on a couple of occasions, her grating voice sounding almost lost as she paced through the apartment, looking for her people. He knew Madison allowed Beelz in her room at night, and knew that Elizabeth relented enough for Sage to accompany Madison to and from some classes. It made John's chest tight for reasons he didn't want to think about. 

He also noted that he only heard McKay enter the apartment twice in a week, and neither time did he call for John. That made his chest even tighter.

The setup worked just fine, since Madison wasn't exactly all rainbows and puppy-dogs about the whole thing anyway and managed to convey she wasn't speaking to him without words. Like uncle, like niece. The three of them just avoided each other and remained silent. They were all pretty good at that, he thought. 

But that was before Madison disappeared. 

* * *

Rodney was drawn out of his simulation stupor by an urgent voice on the PA system, calling for Madison Miller to report her whereabouts immediately. Rodney's head snapped up and he met Radek's shocked gaze over the tops of their laptops. Had he forgotten to remove the DND from his radio?

He tapped it as he headed for the door. "This is McKay, what the _hell_?"

"Dr. McKay," Elizabeth's voice responded, "report to the Control Room on the double, please."

"I'm on my way, what the--"

"Just get here, please. Weir out."

Oh, this was bad. This was very, very bad.

John was standing near the display for the internal sensors; he was leaning on one crutch and looked tired. "What the hell is going on?" Rodney demanded.

"Madison's missing," John replied, not looking at him. "Trish reported to me that she hadn't shown for her class."

Rodney glanced at his watch. "That was supposed to be... half an hour ago? Why did it take--"

"I was in the infirmary, in the bone knitter."

"And I want to know why it took so long--"

"Gentlemen." Elizabeth had her game face on and silenced them immediately. "She is not responding to the announcement and I don't believe we've ever put a sub-cu in her, have we?"

"No," Rodney said with a sigh. "We never thought it necessary."

"She's getting one the minute she comes back, though," John growled. 

Glaring at John, Rodney said, "Which wouldn't have been a problem if you had--"

"Excuse me?" John finally turned to him and Rodney was taken aback at the anger he saw in John's face. "Last I checked you were a part of this family too, Rodney!"

"Yeah, it's really helpful to bitch at each other." Rodney turned, surprised at Ronon's sudden appearance and his harsh words. "I think it might be a better idea to actually go _look_ for her."

"Well... yes..." Rodney sighed. Again. "She knows the city, well, the core city, pretty well, but what bugs me is how well she interfaces with Atlantis. She could be asking Atlantis to block her lifesign, or even mask it. The city just rolls over and drools for her."

"Not as much as it does for me," John growled. He pulled one of the lifesign detectors out of his pocket and turned. "I'm heading out."

"John--" Elizabeth tried to stop him but John avoided her hand, not an easy thing to do while leaning on a crutch. 

"Don't, Elizabeth. Just... don't." He shot Rodney one enigmatic look before speaking again, even as he headed for a transporter. "I'll keep in touch. I'm going to try the east pier first."

Rodney watched him go and struggled with his temper -- now was not the time to bring up the flaws in his relationship with John. After they found Madison, maybe. Well, okay, probably not. But he was going to find Madison and then--

"McKay." Ronon's voice broke his train of thought. "What the hell are you playing at?"

Rodney jerked his head up to glare at Ronon, who happened to be a convenient outlet for his anger. "This is none of your business, Conan," he snarled. 

"Like hell," Ronon snapped back, but Elizabeth cut in on them.

"That's enough, both of you." She glared at them through narrowed eyes. "Steven has Evan putting together search parties, and I've asked everyone to stay put in the control and residence towers. If you want to join in, that's fine. But if you go by yourselves, I'm going to require fifteen minute check-ins."

"I'm leaving now," Ronon said, giving Rodney one last angry stare. Thankfully, he said nothing. 

"Fine. Rodney?"

"I'm going back to the apartment first, see if I can find anything to help. She has to have left something behind, some kind of clue." He couldn't meet Elizabeth's gaze and knew that was a bad thing. "I'll keep in touch with the fifteen minute check-ins."

She nodded. "Good luck, Rodney," she said, already turning away. 

Rodney stalked for the nearest transporter, so angry he was shaking. No, not so much angry... numb. He was numb and frustrated and panicked and furious and on autopilot, hurrying to the apartment, looking around it blankly, wondering why he was here, what he was expecting, what he was looking for. Beelz met him with a loud complaint and he gave her a little food, just to shut her up. His brain was churning in slow motion, bogged down by something he couldn't put his finger on -- he needed a shower, needed to toss Madison's room, needed to make sure she wasn't actually in there, playing a joke on them. He needed to find the loving, sweet girl, not the... not the...

He was in the shower when it hit him. Madison was _gone_ , she was _missing_ , she could be _anywhere_. He leapt out of the shower and frantically toweled himself dry even as he told himself she would be fine, she would be found, John was looking, Ronon was looking, Lorne was looking. He knew there was nothing in Atlantis that would hurt her ( _nanoviruses, exploding power supplies_ ), knew she would be found before anything bad could happen ( _sudden Wraith attacks, semi-sentient black clouds_ )...

He stopped thinking and was dressed before he was completely dry, turning Madison's messy room upside-down looking for clues, for anything that might help him figure out where ( _why_ ) she had gone.

* * *

When the radio clicked on, John almost spoke; then he heard Maddie's voice and froze.

"I'm not going back." It was delivered flatly and with no possible alternatives.

"Why?" That was Ronon's voice and John relaxed, fractionally. Ronon had found her, must have activated his radio to let John and Rodney know.

"What do you mean, why?" Maddie's voice was rising towards shrill.

"Uh, I mean, why? Why aren't you going back?"

"Oh, like you don't know. I'm going to the mainland and... and I'll become Athosian."

"Even though you're not from here? Even though you're not old enough to make that decision?" Ronon asked, his voice mildly skeptical.

"I don't care! I'm old enough to the Athosians! To the Athosians I'm almost old enough to get married, and I'm _not going back!_ "

"Yeah, well, you said that, but you still haven't told me why."

"Cut the shit, Ronon!" John closed his eyes and winced -- Maddie sounded exactly like _him_. Rodney was going to kill him. "I know why you're looking for me, they're all looking for me, and I don't care! I am not going back to them!"

"Well, yeah, everyone's looking for you because you disappeared. But you still haven't answered my question."

"Why are you so stupid?" Yeah, crossed all the way to shrill.

There was silence for a few minutes and John could just see in his mind's eye Ronon glowering. "If all you're going to do is insult me, then maybe I'll just leave you to do whatever you want. With the Athosians. But don't ask me to come with you when you steal another 'jumper." Ouch. Ronon knew how to cut to the chase all right.

The link was silent for so long John wondered if it was still active. Finally, he heard Madison's voice. "Sorry." Extra sullen with a topping of anger.

John had no idea where they were. He held his life-signs detector out and tried to determine if they were anywhere near him. It sounded like they were somewhere remote and from the wind whistling in Ronon's mouthpiece, maybe off the west pier. He began limping in that direction, not daring to move any faster than that; his leg was throbbing and he was already anticipating Carson's lecture over putting too much weight on it too soon. He suddenly wished he'd brought the other crutch with him but having the lifesign detector had seemed more important.

"Did anybody ever tell you why I'm here?" Ronon suddenly asked, pulling John up short in surprise.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"How I got here."

"I thought you were always here."

"Nope. I was a rescue."

"Huh?"

Ronon sighed and John could almost hear him scratching the back of his neck. He started walking -- limping -- again, watching the life-signs detector as he listened.

"I was a runner. Do you know what that means?"

"No..." John could picture Maddie in thinking mode; she'd have her head cocked to one side and her brow furrowed.

It was a bit longer before Ronon spoke again. "I'm from Sateda, it's a long way from here. We thought we were pretty good, pretty advanced. We thought maybe we'd be able to fight off the Wraith, once they woke again, or maybe make it hard enough for them to get us that they'd leave us alone, go somewhere else." John winced. He had a pretty good idea what Ronon had been through as a runner, and he wasn't altogether sure he wanted to hear it... and was even less sure he wanted Madison to. "But we weren't. We were completely fucked, completely open. We might as well have put a big sign up on our planet advertising a free meal and nobody wanted to believe it."

John winced, and thought Madison probably did too. He kept walking.

"My team... we were covering sector fourteen when the first wave hit. We were ready, but we really weren't, you know? We'd done as much as we could to prepare, and we were as helpless as babies." He snorted. "More helpless. Most of my team was gone after the initial wave. I watched them die all around me, them and other teams and everybody. People were screaming, running everywhere, everything was on fire."

"Wow." Madison's voice was so tiny the mic almost didn't pick it up.

"My..." Ronon cleared his throat. "My wife, Melena," John almost tripped over his own feet and grabbed hold of a convenient wall to keep from falling. Ronon had been _married_? "She was a doctor. Not for real, she was still taking her last tests and things, the last steps to being a real doctor. I'd arranged for her to be added to Kell's personal staff. Kell was my taskmaster, he was a liar and a cheat and a complete asshole, but I knew if Melena was with his group, she'd have a better chance of getting off-world. Of being safe." He stopped again, for several minutes and John wondered how hard it was for him to say what he was saying. "Only she wouldn't go. She said she'd be needed at the hospital."

After another minute, Madison said, "What happened to her?"

"Once my team was gone, dead, I went as fast as I could to the hospital. I thought I could grab Melena and run for the 'gate. She..." He cleared his throat again. "She said she wouldn't go. She pointed to this little girl, about your age, in the bed next to her. She said, "This little girl has lost her whole family. I can't leave her." So I picked her up, the little girl, and told Melena to hurry. She just... she just kept _arguing_ with me..." There was a muted thud and John winced, picturing Ronon's fist meeting the wall. "Then the building blew up."

John had to stop again and close his eyes for a minute.

Eventually, Ronon continued, just as John did. "Y'see, when their dinner puts up too much of a fight, instead of going somewhere else, the Wraith just blow stuff up. They're more than willing to kill a few meals if they can get the rest of 'em. Melena was caught in the blast. I just took off, running. It hurt to do anything else, and Melena had wanted the little girl to be safe. I thought I could get her to the 'gate."

"Did you?" Madison asked. John entered a transporter and chose the west pier. 

"No." John had to swallow; he'd never heard Ronon's voice so dead, so toneless. So despairing. "I got us halfway there before we were surrounded. I didn't have any weapons left except my gun, and I thought it only had two or three rounds in it, I didn't have the gun I have now. When I knew we were trapped... I... I..."

John knew what was coming. He focused on his life-signs detector which showed two isolated dots close to the edge of the pier and one other one, moving in that direction from the other side.

"What did you do?" Madison asked, her voice tiny. "You didn't, I mean, did you..."

"Yeah. I did. I had to." There was a clicking noise and John thought it was probably Ronon trying to swallow. "She was terrified, screaming, clutching me. We all knew what the Wraith were, we knew what would happen. I used what turned out to be my last bullet on her, made sure she couldn't really even feel it. Then I turned it on myself and realized I didn't have any rounds left."

Madison drew a sharp breath. "You were taken? By the _Wraith_?"

"Yeah. See, they like sport. Some of them. They like it when their dinner tries to get away, so they can hunt it. They made me a runner, put a _thing_ in my back so they could track me, then set me loose. I ran for seven years before Sheppard found me, found me and set me free." Ronon's voice was still hard. "I owe him a life-debt for that."

"Well, yeah," Madison said with a sigh. "I'm glad Uncle John found you, but--"

"No, wait, there's more, okay? I just needed you to... to understand this, to give you the background -- you're not from here. You don't _know_." John was almost there; he could hear voices both through the radio and unaided. "The Wraith, they've got this thing they do, it's like hibernation. They don't want the 'herd' too thin, so they go to sleep for a while, while people breed, have children, build up the numbers again."

"That's gross."

"Yeah. It is. Thing is, the Wraith were woken up early. They were supposed to sleep another fifty or sixty years, but something woke them up early."

"Huh? What--"

"I did." John came around the corner of the balcony, seeing Ronon and Madison but not able to look them in the eye. "I woke them up. Teyla and Halling and Colonel Sumner, they were taken by the Wraith and when I busted them out, I woke up the rest." Thank God there was a bench against the wall; John sank gratefully on it, using his crutch to help him.

"They don't just feed on you, they kinda become you," Ronon said. He kept staring at John but John couldn't really look squarely back. There was blood on Ronon's knuckles. "When they fed on one of you Earthers, they thought they'd discovered a whole new 'feeding ground,' one that had billions of humans, all on one planet."

"Yeah." John took a deep breath and leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes.

"So, was that stupid?" Ronon said and John's eyes flew open. "What John did, was that stupid? He woke the Wraith and that killed so many thousands--"

"It was a mistake!" Madison's voice was back to that shrill, piercing tone, maybe even a little beyond it. "He didn't know!"

"So it's not stupid if you don't know what you're doing? Melena knew what she was doing, knew all about the Wraith, was her decision stupid?" Ronon's voice was very harsh and it grated on John's nerves. 

"Ronon," he started, but Ronon cut him off.

"You told me not to be stupid. Who's being stupid here, Sheppard? McKay? Me? You?"

Madison's chin was quivering. "I..."

"Ronon. That's enough." Rodney came out a different doorway to the large balcony on which they stood. "If anyone is being stupid here, it's me."

Ronon's reaction was not what John expected. "Shut up, McKay. Madison and I are talking and she owes me an answer to a question I asked her. If you want to live with the Athosians, you need to act like one, don't you? And the Athosians are like me, they grew up under the Wraith. You didn't. You don't _know_. So why aren't you going back, back to your people, Madison? What's the stupid part?"

Madison wrapped her arms around herself and looked down. John could tell she was fighting tears. Rodney opened his mouth to say something but Ronon must have caught his eye; he shut it without a word and shook his head. 

Finally, Madison said in a tiny voice, "It _is_ stupid. It is."

"Featherling, the only thing stupid about doing something wrong is not learning from it." Ronon's voice lost its harshness and anger, went back to his normal rumble. "Which is the whole point, isn't it? You're mad at them, aren't you?"

"Yeah," Madison breathed.

"Well, then, you got to tell them. Stupid is as stupid does; should you get angry at somebody for doing something stupid if they had good intentions? How about if they did it out of love? Or if they didn't understand the situation, just messed up? You _have_ to ask, to tell them, Madison. Not even superbrains like you can read minds." He hesitated just long enough to make his next question less than serious: "You can't, can you?"

She rolled her eyes. "No," she said, dragging it out. They were all quiet until she spoke again. "Uncle John isn't even living at home," she finally whispered. "And it's all my fault. I messed up and now they don't even like each other any more and it's all my fault."

Rodney started. "No! No it isn't your fault, God no, and yes he is and yes we do! How can you--" He looked at John who had to look away. "Oh my God."

"And you didn't even notice!" Madison wailed. "Don't you get it? If you don't love each other, you don't... you're... you're all I..." Tears were running down her face and John wanted to go to her, but was afraid she wouldn't want him to. 

Ronon came to the rescue, thank God. He wrapped her up in his arms and held her as the storm rammed its way out of her. She beat on him with her fists as she sobbed and he just took it, held her up when her legs started to give out, provided her with his strength and caring and love. 

Rodney did the same as John, remained unmoving, clearly wanting to go to her but knowing it wasn't wise. They couldn't meet each other's eyes -- John glanced sidewise at Rodney but he was avoiding John's gaze. "It's gone too far," he finally muttered. What had happened to them that they had managed to fall apart this badly, this soon? It was all that rat-bastard Kolya's fault, John thought, his hands forming into fists, his body shaking and his partially-healed leg throbbing.

Yeah. Way too far.

* * *

2: The Hard Part  


* * *

Day One (John, Rodney, Madison):

"Before we can get started here, there are a few housekeeping things we need to discuss." Kate looked at the three of them in turn and Rodney wondered how they looked to her. He was sitting on the edge of the chair facing hers, his arms crossed over his chest. John was doing the whole spineless slouching thing on the chair next to his and Madison was on the floor, using Sage as a pillow. 

After a moment, Kate continued. "Since I'm the only psychologist on Atlantis at the moment, I know all three of you, individually. Seeing you for couple or family therapy could be seen as a conflict of interest. I need to know if you all feel comfortable seeing me in that capacity." She gave all of them an earnest look. "SGC has five other highly qualified therapists attached to the Mountain. If any of you would prefer to see one of them, you must let me know. It will not be taken as an insult, I assure you."

Her smile was professional and Rodney sighed. "I don't have any problems with that," he said. John and Madison made polite noises of agreement.

"Thank you for your trust in me," Kate said after a moment. "If, at _any_ time in our sessions together, you feel uncomfortable, please say so immediately. I can't help all of you if one of you is upset or ill at ease with me."

After another rather awkward silence, she continued. "As for ground-rules, the only major one is when one person is speaking, no one else can speak until the first person is done. I'm hoping that by giving the speaker the illusion that he -- or she -- is talking to me, not to the others, it will feel safer, easier." She smiled again. "These sessions aren't intended to be punishment. It's my hope that we can clear the air between all three of you." After another short pause, she continued. "There is one other thing -- it's a requirement for these counseling sessions and it applies to all of you. Lies are not permitted. You can refuse to answer or try to duck the question, but you _cannot_ lie. Do all of you understand?"

Rodney nodded and assumed the others did too -- he wasn't looking. The carpet beneath their feet was very interesting and required his in-depth concentration. 

"Good. Who would like to start us today? Madison...?"

* * *

Day Two (John, Rodney, Madison):

"Stop calling me that!" Madison yelled and John looked taken aback, surprised and almost hurt.

"What? Why?"

"You shouldn't call me that 'cause it's a derogatory term referencing female genitalia," Madison continued, still loud. "So you shouldn't call me that!"

"Madison," Kate said gently, her soft voice modulating Madison's. "You've a good point. Maybe we could explore why John calls you 'Beav' as a nickname."

"It's Rodney's fault!" John said, his voice almost as whiny as Madison's. "Don't you remember? It was before our first Christmas, when I was learning how to cook, he kept calling me June Cleaver."

Rodney flushed and looked down. "Yeah."

"And after we explained it to you, you said you were--"

Kate broke in. "That sounds as if it came from an innocuous beginning," she said with a kind smile. "But now that Madison is older, perhaps we could find another."

* * *

Day Two (John):

"Let's talk about your imprisonment, John."

John let his head fall back to the cushion of the chair. "Oh, let's not and say we did," he muttered under his breath.

She gave him a mildly reproving look and managed to look enough like Teyla it startled him. 

"You've read the mission reports," he said, still trying to duck the question.

"And I've read Carson's medical reports," she said, her reproving look turning into a pointed one.

He winced. "Oh."

"Yes. Oh." He continued to look at everything in the room but her. "Have you spoken about it with Rodney?"

"No!" The immediate denial popped out before he could censor himself.

"John." Now her look was filled with sympathy and John had to physically restrain himself from leaping to his feet and fleeing. "Rodney is your spouse. He deserves to know what happened."

"Yeah, I know." John scratched the back of his neck. 

Kate let the silence grow until it was almost unbearable. Finally, she said, "It's not unusual for couples to go through periods of non-communication. And as a male homosexual couple, it's even more common. All the more reason why you should make a special effort to talk." Her voice was so very earnest and persuasive.

After several minutes had gone by, John said, "I know." When she didn't acknowledge his words, he added, "I do. Really. It's just that..."

"What happened to you wasn't about sex, John. Kolya was asserting his power, his control over you. Or trying to."

"I wouldn't scream," John muttered. "It pissed him off."

Kate nodded. "It was a power-play, and he used one of the most common and horrible methods possible. It doesn't make you less a man, doesn't even make you a victim, if you refuse to be."

John wasn't so sure of that, and the implications made his stomach churn.

* * *

Day Three (Madison)

"I'd like for us to talk about Jinto," Kate said, ignoring the Olympic-sized pout on Madison's face. 

"No."

"Yes," Kate countered gently. "It was because of Jinto that you took a 'jumper to the mainland and why you're currently under punishment."

Madison didn't say anything so after a while, Kate continued. "Do you feel betrayed by his accepting an apprenticeship on Belkan?"

At least Madison lifted her head at that question. " _Betrayed_?" she said, achieving the level of scorn and disgust only a pre-pubescent girl could manage. "What's there to be betrayed? I mean, it's not like he even _likes_ me."

Kate smiled gently. "I beg to differ on that. I think Jinto likes you very much, Madison."

"No he doesn't." She was back to staring a hole in the carpet.

"You feel he doesn't because he wouldn't take your advice on the apprenticeship?"

"It's dangerous off-world."

"Yes, it can be. As your Uncle John found out."

Madison's chin was quivering. "They -- He could _die_."

"Yes, he could. And he could be trampled by the herd of sheep Dr. Macker has bred on the mainland. And he could go to Earth and get hit by a bus. Anyone can die at any time, Madison, death is a part of life."

"It's not _right_!" Madison nearly wailed. "It's not right and it's not _fair_!"

"No, it's not," Kate agreed gently. Madison doubled over herself, sobbing and Kate quickly knelt on the floor in front of her, gathering her into a strong hug, rocking her back and forth gently.

* * *

Day Four (John and Rodney):

"It's me, I know it is. I've never had a successful relationship," John said, his voice soft and rueful. "Not even... not even when I was married."

It took Rodney a couple of minutes to realize what John was saying. "You... you've been _married_ before and you never _told_ me?!"

John was carefully avoiding looking at anyone. "It never seemed important."

"Like hell!" Rodney snapped.

"Rodney," Kate said, trying to derail his anger. 

"No, I want to know, I really do, and then I want to know why--"

"It's _not important_ McKay!" John roared.

"Oh, just like _our_ marriage isn't important?"

"It's not like that!"

Kate broke into their words, putting her hands in a T shape. "Time out! Time out, guys, both of you." After they had closed their mouths and crossed their arms in front of themselves, she continued. "John, you can't expect Rodney to let a comment like that pass. May I remind you both, you're married. Your spouse deserves nothing less than the truth in all ways."

Rodney opened his mouth but Kate gave him a glare so he closed it again, waiting. Just when he'd decided John was going to be sleeping in the 'jumper bay for the rest of his life, John began to talk. "It's not important. It really isn't. And it was only for a few months." Kate glared Rodney silent again and after a long pause, John continued. "I got her pregnant. We were just barely eighteen and living on base in Texas. I got her pregnant and it was expected I would do the right thing," John said, cocking his fingers into air-quotes at the last two words. "So I did. Except we were much better as friends than as husband and wife and then she... she..."

John looked almost sick to his stomach and Rodney felt his anger begin to dissolve. "What happened, John?" Kate asked softly.

"She miscarried," John said, so quietly it was hard to hear his words. "It was awful. She was almost six months along and we knew the baby was in trouble, but not..." He swallowed hard. "They tried to do a C-section but it was way too late. My... the baby was too badly deformed. She didn't want us to continue and neither did I, not after that. It wasn't much of a stretch to get an annulment and the Air Force Academy still accepted me, even though the session had already started."

Rodney couldn't have spoken if his life depended on it. He finally closed his mouth when he realized it was open.

"Afterwards, I kinda decided not to let anybody close any more. Avoidance, you know?"

"Yes, you've told me you believe yourself to be an expert in that," Kate said, her humor gentle.

"You let me close," Rodney muttered, trying to fit this latest piece of jigsaw into the greater puzzle that was John Sheppard.

"I didn't _let_ you do anything," John said with a choked laugh. "You just pushed your way in and before I knew it, I was..." He trailed off, still not looking at anyone. "Before I knew it you were under my skin, living in my heart. Just like Maddie. And I realized I liked it that way."

Rodney blinked hard, trying to ease the stinging he felt in his eyes. 

* * *

Day Five (Rodney):

"There is _nothing_ to tell!" Rodney said, his voice getting louder with every word. "You know what happened, you've read the mission report, why do you insist on going over it ad nauseam?"

Kate's voice was pitched deliberately low. "Because every time I do, you overreact." 

"I am not overreacting!"

She just sat there, looking at him with her too-wise eyes.

Exasperated, Rodney shook his head. "What do you want out of me?" He asked, whined, almost surprising himself since that's not exactly what he wanted to know.

"I want you to tell me what happened, Rodney," she replied. "I want to know what you're hiding from."

Rodney groaned and let his head drop to the back of the chair in which he sat. "I'm not hiding! You know what happened," he said again, pleading. "What more--"

"Let's go over it, then. You and your team broke into the Genii complex and made your way deeper, avoiding detection."

He sighed hugely and nodded. They had been over this _so_ many times.

"You found John's cell and gained access. He was unconscious."

"Yeah." Rodney suppressed a shudder remembering what John had looked like.

"Carson reported he couldn't move and would have to be carried." She had her eyes trained on him but he couldn't meet her gaze. "The team decided to create a diversion, to sharpen the chaos already in progress."

"Well, yeah, it's SOP, really."

She smiled. "Ronon's reports says you refused to stay in the cell with John, that you insisted on going with him."

It wasn't hard to remember the anger, the choking fury that had risen in him. "Yeah, that's right."

"Why did you do that?"

Trying to subdue the anger inside him, Rodney snarled, "Because I would have gone back there with a nuke if I couldn't have been sure that Kolya was dead."

"You felt that much hatred for him?"

"You read Carson's reports about John! You know what that bastard did to him!"

"Yes, I do, and I know it was terrible. That's not what I was asking, though, Rodney. You felt such enmity for Kolya that you wanted to kill him?"

"Yes! That asshole was a waste of air!"

After the briefest of pauses, Kate continued. "Tell me how the diversion went. Ronon said he took you on his team."

"Yeah." She was going to try and trap him, he knew it was going to happen. He would have to stay on his guard.

"Lorne's team headed for the power generators, and you went to what you believed to be offices and...?"

"Offices. Labs. Yeah." Here it comes, he thought, here it comes. He felt unaccountably terrified and wanted to pull a Sheppard and just run.

"You split up, I understand. Ronon's report said you went left and I assume you were to place your explosive charge in order to--"

"Yes, yes, I was to set the C4, and I did. I set it right over the door where that... that..."

"But you saw Kolya. Yes?"

"Yes! I killed him! I keep telling you--"

"Tell me again. You set the charge, and..."

Rodney took a deep, shaky breath. "Why do I--"

"Tell me again, Rodney. You set the charge--"

"I set the damn charge over the door, already! I set it, and kicked the door open just like Sheppard and Teyla and Ronan have always taught me, I kicked it open and went in low and shot them-- him. I--"

"You shot... them?"

"No! Him, I shot... I shot..."

"Was there someone else in the room, Rodney?"

"No! I..." Rodney felt a panic attack coming on -- he felt short of breath, there wasn't enough air in the universe and he wanted... "I have to, have to go, have to get out of here I have to _GO_!" He shot to his feet and nearly went through the door in his haste to get away from Kate and her too-wise eyes.

* * *

Day Six (Madison):

"It _is_ important, Madison. Do you know what they would do if they couldn't find you? If you were lost somehow?"

"Throw a party?" Madison asked, her voice sullen.

"Madison." Kate waited until Madison looked up before continuing. "They love you," she continued, her voice as gentle as the breeze, "and they would be devastated if they lost you."

She watched as Madison fought off tears, again. She was far too much like both Rodney and John. Not that that was necessarily a bad thing most times, but it was definitely not a good thing for her now.

"Do you think I'm wrong? That they don't love you?"

Madison gulped hard. "No. I guess not."

"You think they do love you?"

"I guess."

"Why do you doubt their love of you?"

"Who said I did?"

Kate had to smile. "Madison. Let's not play semantics, please. I know you're smarter than I am."

That had a good effect, at least; she gave Kate a half-grin. After a moment, she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Kate recognized Teyla's calming influence. "Sometimes," she whispered, "sometimes I want to call Uncle John... dad. And he's not my dad."

"You don't feel the same about your Uncle Meredith?"

She screwed up her face in thought. "No, not really. I guess I just always thought of him as Uncle Mer."

"That may be because you knew him first as your 'real' uncle."

Madison shrugged.

"Does it make you feel odd that you want to call him your father?"

"Well, yeah." She was back to examining the carpet. "I asked him, once. If he was going to be my father after, you know, after the whole adoption thing."

"What did he say?"

"Oh, nothing, not really. He said he wouldn't want to _replace_ my real dad. He said he couldn't."   
Madison frowned and looked up.

"And he can't," Kate said, quietly and earnestly. "Let me tell you about my sister."

"Um, okay."

"My sister, my older sister, was married to a great guy and they had a little boy. Their son was four when his father died."

"Wow, that was younger than me," Madison whispered.

"That's right. Eventually, she found another wonderful man and re-married. My nephew, her son, was nine when this new man came into the family. His mother's second husband wasn't his father, there were no ties of blood, but eventually Randy -- that's his name -- began thinking of him like that, like his father. But he said he felt funny calling his new father 'dad'. So they decided on Pop, which was sufficiently removed from 'dad' that it was okay." Kate studied Madison and saw how the story was sinking in. "Would it feel better to call John something like that?"

Madison didn't answer, but Kate could tell she was thinking about it.

* * *

Day Eight (Rodney):

"I only wish I could have made him suffer like John did," Rodney managed to say, keeping his voice from shaking with effort. "I don't regret killing him at all."

"Why?"

"I--" Rodney couldn't find the right words and just gave her a pleading look. He was over his panic attack -- well, sorta over it -- but he still didn't want to talk about what he'd done.

"Try to articulate it, Rodney, I seriously think it'll help. You have no regret over killing Kolya, even though he was a living, breathing human being."

"No he wasn't," Rodney replied instantly. "He was lower than a snake. He had me tortured during the storm in our first year! We did nothing to him, yet he wanted us dead." He shook his head hard. No, he had no regrets about killing Kolya at all.

"Then what's the difference? The other young man, you identified him as a Genii soldier. What was the difference between him and Kolya?"

"Other than the fact that Kolya was an insane motherfucker?"

Kate looked as though she wanted to smile but was suppressing it. "Yes."

Rodney couldn't answer that right away, he kept seeing the man -- the boy -- the soldier -- he kept seeing the look of surprise, the look of dismay on the guy's face as he fell down, dead, with Rodney's bullet in his heart, Rodney's surprisingly perfect shot. Rodney felt the ghost of another panic attack bubbling up but managed to suppress it.

"Deep breaths," Kate murmured. 

He dragged his gaze up, forced himself to look at Kate. He knew she wouldn't be judging him, knew she wouldn't give him pity, only honest sympathy. It didn't make it any easier. "He wasn't Kolya," he finally said, softly, desperately. "He was... he was just a... a guy. A young guy. A kid. He shouldn't have..."

"Rodney, there were many Genii there, some soldiers and some probably not. Scientists, interns, whatever they were, they were there for a purpose and followed Kolya as their commander." 

"I _know_ that," Rodney snapped.

"Actually, I don't think you do," Kate replied mildly, "or you're trying to rationalize something you can't. Yes, he was young and yes, you killed him, but he was in a profession where death is a real possibility."

"I--"

"The fact of the matter is _you_ were as much a victim as he was. If he hadn't been in the wrong place at the wrong time -- and that goes for you, as well -- nothing would have happened between you. It's probable he still would have died, but not at your hand."

Rodney figured he was probably doing a good imitation of a fish on land before he realized his mouth was hanging open and closed it. "That..." He trailed off and swallowed. "I... never thought about it. Not like that."

"I think you should," Kate said, with a kind smile.

* * *

Day Eleven (John and Rodney):

"I'd like to try something with the two of you," Kate said, and John tensed automatically. Kate's proposals often led him to do something he really didn't want to do. "I know you haven't been sleeping together in your apartment." As Kate continued, John winced and carefully didn't look at Rodney. "For tonight, I'd like to you sleep together. Just sleep," she added, quickly. "John, your leg has been getting progressively better and you don't need any pillows or other props to sleep any longer. For tonight, then, please sleep together in your own bed."

She looked at Rodney, who grunted his assent, then at John, who wanted to get up and run. It took him a moment (in which he took a deep breath and swallowed hard), but he finally nodded. 

It was going to be an interesting night.

* * *

Day Twelve (John):

"How did it go?"

John's hands were sweating and he kept wiping them on his pants. "Um. Okay. We slept."

"Did you have any nightmares?"

He swallowed. "Yeah. But it wasn't bad." He frowned before continuing. "Rodney had one too, I think."

Kate studied him for a long moment, something he inferred since he couldn't really look at her. "You seem uncomfortable. Can you tell me why?"

"Why do you think?" Slouching further down on the chair, John studied the ceiling. "I haven't... I mean, I-- we haven't had, I don't want to think about..."

"Sex."

He closed his eyes so she couldn't see him rolling them. "You're bound and determined to make me talk about this, aren't you?"

"Uh... yes?" She almost perfectly mimicked his usual response and John snorted in what felt like amusement. "John. I know you don't want to, but examining your feelings is the best and fastest way to help you over this whole situation. It's hard, yes. But many good things are difficult. Like, for example, your spouse."

If he slouched any further he was going to slide off the chair. So instead, he pushed himself more-or-less upright and folded forward, resting his elbows on his thighs, letting his head droop. "I just want to feel normal again."

"And it will come. But you don't have to do any of it alone. Let yourself lean on Rodney, let him feel he's needed. He loves you, John, and he wants to be there for you."

John swallowed hard. "It feels... I don't..."

"You push people away; it's a coping mechanism. But when you push Rodney away, he feels more vulnerable, not less. Let him help you."

John made himself look at her. "I can't, I don't want him to know..."

"He needs to know." They were quiet for a long moment. "Let's do this: at the end of this coming week, you'll tell Rodney what happened between you and Kolya. We'll set that as a deadline and begin working towards it. It gives you seven days to get used to the idea and in the meantime, we'll keep discussing it, keep working on it." 

The idea of it came close to freaking John out, but he knew she was right. He'd been in enough firefights in his life, talking with Rodney shouldn't be _that_ hard. Shouldn't be.

He wasn't even convincing himself.

"Okay," he finally breathed. He really needed some Pepto, or maybe there was some leftover ginger ale in the mess.

* * *

Day Fourteen (John, Rodney, Madison):

"Madison has a couple of things she'd like to discuss with the two of you," Kate said. "It's something we've been working on and she's quite nervous about it. Please let her talk without interruption."

Madison was once again using Sage as a prop; she was on the floor while John and Rodney were in chairs, sitting... well, not closely, but closer. It took effort, but Rodney managed to keep his mouth shut and keep from looking at Maddie.

It took her a moment to speak, and when she did, it was in a voice so soft Rodney almost couldn't hear her. "I'm sorry," she began. "I know it was a bad thing to take a 'jumper to the mainland." Her voice was thick with tears. "I felt really bad about Jinto, and I still do, I still think it's too dangerous."

Kate made a faint noise which brought Rodney's head up. It apparently brought John's too, because when he focused on her, she was looking to John. "Thank you," John said, while Kate nodded encouragingly. "I accept your apology."

"Me too," Rodney said quickly, as Kate turned to him. "I'm glad you're -- I mean --" He gave Kate a helpless glance but she merely nodded. "I accept it too," he finally finished.

After a moment's silence, Kate said, "Madison?"

"I promise not to do it again, do that again, and I'm glad you aren't mad at each other any more." She said it quickly and still wasn't looking at anyone in the room. "Because you aren't, right? You're really okay?"

Rodney had never believed in the hackneyed ideas of 'broken hearts,' but as Madison spoke, he changed his mind. 

* * *

Day Sixteen (John, Rodney):

"You keep saying that!" Rodney almost yelled, over John's anger. "And I don't! I don't take advantage of you, don't treat you like--"

"Fuck that, McKay! You _know_ you do, you want me... you think of me--"

"No!" Rodney tried to lower the volume but wasn't very successful. "John, I don't, I know you don't want me to take you for granted, to expect you to--"

"So where the hell have you been these last couple of weeks, where? You didn't even notice I wasn't home, wasn't sleeping there, for fuck's sake!"

"I know!" Rodney was feeling the strain; he didn't want to have this discussion now, didn't want to antagonize John or test their newly fragile relationship. "I'm sorry, I know I haven't been what I should have been, I know I took advantage of you being home to--"

"Trapped at home! I was fucking _trapped_ and you just fucking _assumed_ I'd be there to take care of Madison, of that fucking _cat_ \--"

"I'm sorry! Christ, I'm so _sorry_ \--"

"Oh, and that makes it all better, doesn't it? I mean--"

" ** _JOHN_**!" Kate had to bellow to be heard over them, but John didn't even pause.

"It's always the same old thing--"

"John--" Rodney was almost freaking out, was almost panicking.

"Always! And it's not fair, I should just... should just... goddammit, Rodney, just because I like... like being the bottom, it doesn't make me your wife! Because I like it, it doesn't..."

While Rodney sat there, his mouth hanging open, John suddenly stopped talking and his face went white as a sheet. He sent one panicked glance to Kate then leapt to his feet and ran. "John?" Rodney whispered as he saw the door slide shut.

"Don't," Kate said as Rodney made an aborted attempt to follow. "You won't be able to help him, not yet."

Rodney turned back to her. "I--" He sat back down, reluctantly.

"You need to see something," Kate said, rising and heading for her desk. "John wanted me to show it to you, though he didn't want to be in the room when you saw it."

She sat again and handed Rodney a piece of paper, covered with doodles, just like the paper notes John took whenever they had paper to spare. He was always doing that, he claimed it relaxed him. Rodney often thought John could have been an artist if he'd tried. 

"Turn it over," Kate said. 

Rodney turned it over and forgot how to breathe. The drawing was recognizably John, but he was wearing a dress, an apron, high heels and pearls and somehow, the expression on the face of the doodle conveyed such despair and anger it made Rodney want to cry.

When he was sure he could speak without his voice shaking, he said, "I really fucked up this time, didn't I?"

Kate pursed her lips together. "Rodney, you know I won't confirm or deny that. There have been quite a few extenuating circumstances that have contributed to the difficulties you're -- both of you -- experiencing. John has his own demons to face in this situation. And no, I can't tell you about them, not yet."

He mulled that over for a long few moments, trying to direct his not-inconsiderable brains to the problem. Finally, he said, "Would it help if... if I talked about..."

"Yes," Kate said gently. "I do think it would help."

Great. Now, all he had to do was screw up his courage to do it.

* * *

Day Eighteen (John and Rodney):

"When... Remember when we first got here? Just after we woke the Wraith, when we also had to worry about weird stuff in the city?" Rodney shot a quick glance at John but didn't try to meet his gaze. "You asked me to be on your team, and said I needed to learn how to shoot."

Rodney had to smile when he remembered John leaning over him, yelling at him for holding the gun wrong, for not being able to quickly reload and shoot. "Teyla and... and Ford..." He had to pause and swallow. "And you, you three taught me the stuff I needed to know -- how to shoot, how to be quiet, how to come into a room of hostiles. Remember?"

"Yeah," John said, his voice low. "I remember."

Rodney paused briefly, long enough to take a deep breath. "I know I didn't make it easy on you, because I hated to practice and groused all the time." 

"You were okay, McKay," John said softly. "You learned."

"Yeah. I know I did. And... and..." Rodney swallowed again. "It all came back to me, that night we, you know, we rescued you."

Rodney could almost feel John's gaze on him. "When we rescued you, Ronon told me to stay with you and Carson and Teyla but I wouldn't stay. I knew, I just had this feeling that if I didn't go, if I had to stay with you, see how badly you were -- I knew I'd be coming back with a nuke to destroy the entire fucking planet." He suddenly realized his hands were in tight fists, tight enough to hurt. With effort, he unclenched them and took a deep breath, releasing it slowly.

"Rodney?" 

At John's softly-voiced question, Rodney almost looked up. "I'm getting there. I mean... never mind. I went with Ronon's group and I found and killed Kolya." There was a big part of him that still reveled in that. "I had to know he was dead, so I shot him. I shot him three times; once in the hand, well, arm, in his knee and in his belly. Then I locked him in and we blew up the place."

"You..." John's voice sounded strangled. "You told me you shot him twice, and I figured--"

"I didn't have enough time to search the room to see if there were other exits, so I needed to be sure he would die before he had a chance to use it... I mean, escape, if it was going to be possible." He made himself look up at John, who he found staring at him with a stricken look on his face. "I don't regret it, John," Rodney added flatly. "My only regret over that asshole's death was that I couldn't make him suffer as you had suffered, but I knew I could try, I knew I _wanted_ to try. I don't regret it at all."

"But you..."

"Wait, John," Kate said. "There's more Rodney needs to tell you."

"Yeah." Rodney closed his eyes and took another deep breath. He could do this, he knew he could do this, Kate was there, he just had to pretend that John wasn't. Piece of cake. "When I broke into his office, he was... there was another, another guy, a soldier. There was this soldier with him, a young guy, a young _kid_ and I knew I had to--"

"Oh, God," John breathed.

"I did it by the book, I did, I did it right, kicked the door open and came in low and all those times with you or Ronon standing over me forcing me to practice from all different angles and my shot was _perfect_ , right into his... right into his heart... I shot him and killed him..."

Rodney closed his eyes and his mouth and let his head droop, just breathed. It was out, it was there, and it was going to be the death of him, he just knew it. He wasn't a soldier--

"You shouldn't have had to do that," he heard John mutter in a harsh voice. "You should have stayed with--"

"No." Rodney interrupted immediately. "I _had_ to go. If I hadn't seen him die with my own damn eyes I wouldn't have believed it. I didn't trust anyone to kill him, nobody but me. And I don't regret that, John, I really don't. He didn't deserve to live, not after what he'd done to you."

"A life is a life, Rodney," Kate said. "I know you feel as if Kolya's death was justified and maybe it was. That doesn't mean it won't weigh heavily on you."

Rodney couldn't have spoken if his life had depended upon it. He stayed where he was, examining the carpet and thinking it was a good thing that staring at something wouldn't harm it. If it would, the carpet would have been worn to the woof.

After a long, quiet while, John cleared his throat. "I--" He swallowed and coughed again. "I made my first kill two weeks after I'd been tapped for covert ops," he began and Rodney began to breathe again.

* * *

Day Eighteen (John):

"I want you to tell him," John said.

"Are you sure about that, John?" Kate asked.

"Yeah." John rubbed the back of his neck. "I, um, I don't think I'm going to be brave enough to do it."

"We'll give it a couple of days and if you still feel that way, then I will."

"Thanks."

* * *

Day Twenty-two (Rodney):

"It feels like there's a weight off my back, which is so cliché and stupid it wants to make me puke. But it does."

"How are the nightmares?"

Rodney sighed. "A little better. Not quite as bad as they were before."

"That's going to take a while, you know."

"Yeah. I know." He frowned. "John's been having them too."

"I know. Have you and John talked more about his time in Covert Operations?"

"A little. I think he was glad to be 'disciplined' and removed from that service, actually."

"That wouldn't surprise me in the least." Kate smiled briefly, then her face turned serious. "There's something else we need to discuss and it's not going to be easy. John has asked me to tell you what he and I have been working on since he was rescued from Kolya."

The relief Rodney felt drained away. "What?"

"When John was rescued, Carson did a complete physical and scan. John was basically okay -- the break was clean and the wounds on his body, including damage to his penis and scrotum, were all clean and healed normally."

"Wounds to his...?" Oh, God. "I knew he'd been tortured..."

"Yes. He had been. He's authorized you to see the medical report and Carson will give it to you, if you want it."

Horrified. Rodney was horrified and didn't have a clue what to say. Kate must have recognized that because she continued after a few moments.

"The torture was fairly methodical. John has said a Genii scientist or doctor did most of it to him, wanting to get his reactions to each new pain."

"He wouldn't scream," Rodney muttered, recalling John's words over dinner almost two months before.

"Yes. It was a point of pride for him, I think. Kolya became increasingly angry and less stable the longer John withheld what he wanted. Finally, a few hours before his rescue, Kolya brought in several soldiers and..." Kate had to stop and draw a breath and Rodney knew, just _knew_ what was coming and he didn't want to hear it, didn't want to hear it... "John was gang-raped, Rodney. Kolya and at least four others took turns with him and--"

"Oh, God... no..." Rodney wanted to jump to his feet, dig Kolya up and kill him again, several times, wanted to stake him out for the Wraith to feed on, and then he remembered how Anderson had reported a Wraith feeding down one corridor... "He was going to use a Wraith on him! That fucking bastard was... he had John..." Rodney slammed his hands over his mouth because if he hadn't, he would be hurling all over Kate's very nice carpet. The nausea was more than just reaction, it was as much for how he had been treating John as it was pain for him.

"Deep breaths, Rodney," Kate said, reaching across the table separating them and putting her hand on Rodney's knee. "We don't have to continue, but John wanted you to know what had happened. He didn't feel he'd be up to telling you himself."

From behind his hand, Rodney muttered, "And I was feeling so sorry for myself, what I'd been through, and John had--"

"Rodney, don't. You're comparing apples with oranges. You can't rate how vile torture is or hold it up against some arbitrary scale." Kate waited until Rodney felt a little more stable. "Do you want me to continue? It's only going to get worse."

What the hell could he say in answer to that? Yes, he wanted to know all of it and no, he wanted to know none of it and it was all for the same reason... "Yes," he finally said, his voice strangled.

"All right." Kate hesitated before continuing. "The torture was fairly methodical and did not include drugs, thank goodness, though I imagine it would have come up later. Dr. Beckett says most of the surface wounds looked like burns, and he speculated some kind of taser-like object was used. John has confirmed that, and has already said it was used internally, his rectum as well as his mouth and nose. There were also severe contusions which looked like some sort of acid had been used on his skin. Ultimately, when John didn't give Kolya what he wanted, Kolya turned to rape as well as verbally demeaning John, saying John should be enjoying the rape since he liked taking it from you. We think that information was from the-- Rodney?!"

Luckily, Kate had a wastebasket nearby and had it ready to take everything in Rodney's stomach. He curled over himself and spewed, bringing up mostly bile. He slipped to his knees and felt Kate's warm arm come around his shoulders, propping him up. How the hell would he ever manage to get John's forgiveness for all his idiocy?

* * *

Day Twenty-Four (John, Rodney, Madison):

"It feels funny, sometimes," Madison said hesitantly. "But saying 'dad' feels even worse."

"Maddie, I never wanted to take the place of your father in your heart," John said, reaching out his hand to her. She was sitting on the floor between their two chairs; she took John's hand and smiled shyly.

"Same here," Rodney said. "I don't think I ever _could_."

"But you're my uncle," Madison said, in her best reasonable voice. "I was kinda like born to you as your niece, which is kinda weird."

"No, I get it," Rodney said with a smile. He put his hand on John's and Madison's clasped ones and squeezed gently. "I really do."

"Well, Dr. Kate and I talked and I thought maybe I could call Uncle John... You know, sometimes, when it feels weird..."

"When I'm punishing you for a very serious infraction, you mean?" John said, his voice droll and dry.

She rolled her eyes. "Not _just_ then," she qualified and rolled her eyes even harder when John snickered. "But some of those times, you know? I could call you, call you papa. Or pop."

"Pop is for drinking," John said and Rodney wondered if he was the only one able to pick up how touched and nearly overwhelmed John was to the idea. "But I'd... I'd love to be called papa."

"But don't call me 'beav' any more, okay?"

"You got it. New nickname, coming up." John tugged on their clasped hands, helping Madison rise so he could envelop her in a hug. John's gaze met Rodney's over Maddie's shoulder and all Rodney could do was to give him a watery, intensely relieved smile in return.

* * *

Day Twenty-Four (John):

"Have you spoken to him about it?"

"No." John leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. "But I can tell he knows. He... I catch him looking at me, every now and then, and he has this... horrified expression? Maybe not horrified, but not happy either."

Kate smiled. "He loves you a great deal; telling him what happened to you was quite traumatic for him. At one point, I think he was muttering something about digging up Kolya and killing him again, several times."

"Well, I'm all for _that_ ," John said with a half-hearted smile. "I sometimes get the feeling that he wants to... I don't know. Wrap me in bubble wrap or something. Keep me safe."

"Cherish you, perhaps?"

John flushed, he felt the heat of it all the way to the tip of his toes. "I guess. Maybe."

"How does that make you feel, John?"

He had to fight the grin that wanted to break through at her words. He could hear Rodney's voice in the back of his brain, _here we go, again with the damn feelings!_ He swallowed it down. "I'm not sure, really."

"Give it a shot," Kate urged him. "Sometimes when we find the right words to express our feelings, it makes them more manifest, makes them truer."

"Um." John thought back to the evening before, the evening that had been spectacularly _normal_ for the first time in what felt like forever. They had all been home, helping Madison with her homework, eating dinner in, watching some videos. Rodney had sat next to John on the sofa, reading a science journal and jotting what were probably obscene notes in the margins, muttering to himself. John had watched a repeat of a football bowl game, one Mitchell had taped for him over last Christmas -- the holiday killed due to drama. He and Rodney had shared a beer while Madison had stretched out on the floor, her feet on the coffee table, reading an e-book. "Happy," John finally blurted, surprised by the word but realizing it was true the moment it was out. With effort, he managed to push out the next word, which was "Happy. I think. Contented?"

"So it felt good?"

He felt the slow smile spread across his face. "Yeah. It felt good."

* * *

Day Thirty (John, Rodney and Madison):

"I think we can stop with the every day meetings," Kate said, smiling at them. "You've come very far very quickly and I'm so pleased. You've worked hard and it shows. I would still like to meet with you separately every other week -- or more frequently if you feel you need it -- and I'd also like to meet with you, John, and Rodney, as well, once a month for couple's counseling. What you have gone through is terribly traumatic and can't be fixed in a month's time."

Rodney nodded, sighing in resignation. Yeah, she was right, but he still would rather put it all off.

"In the meantime, I want you to look out for each other. We've already discussed the drugs that can help moods and feelings and I don't want any of you to think you don't need them. That's for _me_ to decide; if you need them, I have my ways of ensuring you take them."

Madison giggled and Rodney saw John shake his head ruefully.

"The most important part of a family is communication. It's also one of the hardest parts. If you ever feel overwhelmed, remember that I'm here, I can be a mediator between you." Her smile was broad and warmed Rodney's heart. "Let me reiterate how very, very pleased and proud I am of all of you -- this could have taken months or even years. That it hasn't is a tribute to how hard you were willing to work, how much you love each other. Make sure to take the time, every day, to remember that. It really helps."

Madison was leaning on Sage again, but well within touching distance of John and Rodney. Remembering back to the beginning of their crisis, Rodney took a deep breath and let it out slowly, before reaching out and taking John's hand.

"I'm recommending you for light duty, beginning today. At the end of a week, I'll re-evaluate that decision. Madison, your restrictions have been lifted; please don't try anything like that again."

"I won't," Madison said, her voice soft.

"Good." Kate's smile was as relieved as Rodney felt. "In that case, I pronounce you a family. Go have fun."

* * *

3: The Best Part  


* * *

"How come I never get to go off-world?" Madison asked, out of the blue.

They were winding down for the day, after having put in half a day's work. John had finally been cleared by Carson, and had made their favorite chocolate cake to celebrate. The singing episode of _Buffy_ had just been watched and put away and John thought she was doing more homework.

John traded a puzzled look with Rodney. "You go off-world all the time," he said. "Back to Earth four or five times a year."

"Not like _that_ ," Madison responded. "You know, off-world in Pegasus. You keep saying it's not that dangerous any more, but I still never get to go."

"Let me guess," Rodney said, "you want to go to Belkan."

Madison flushed and looked down. "Well, yeah. I... uh..."

"Yeah?" John prompted.

"I think maybe I should, you know, apologize to Jinto. And Aunt Teyla says the market there is the best in the galaxy, even better than Neiman-Marcus, and I'd really like to see it."

"Hmm." John looked at Rodney and raised one eyebrow.

"Well," Rodney said slowly, making sure to keep in eye-contact with John, "I think that might be possible. We'll have to clear it with Elizabeth and Teyla, though."

"I know," Madison said, a grin spreading across her face. "I'd be good, I swear."

"I know," John said. He smiled at Rodney then turned to Madison. "We'll check into it tomorrow."

"I could use some down-time," Rodney said, nodding. "Maybe we can make it a family outing."

"Better than Neiman-Marcus?" John said, turning back to Maddie.

"Uh-huh!" Even though she was mostly lying on the floor, Maddie looked like she was bouncing. "And Aunt Elizabeth will want me to go, it's part of our unit on social studies to study different types of government and how effective they are."

"Well, we really didn't have Christmas this year -- this year, last year, whatever -- what with everything happening," John said, "so maybe we can make it our own special holiday. Get gifts for each other and everyone else, just not from Earth."

"That sounds pretty good, actually. We'll set a date once we've cleared it, okay?" Rodney was smiling as he spoke. "Now, do you have any more homework?"

It felt good to be without the cast or the cane, John thought as he finished up in the bathroom that evening. It felt... normal. He stretched out on their bed, lacing his hands together under his head, while Rodney took his turn at cleaning up. John's hair was growing in its usual weed-like pace but he knew it would still be a while before it was back to normal. At least he didn't feel like _Curious George_ any longer. Madison was in bed and had asked for actual hugs and kisses from each of them, something she hadn't wanted for a long time. Thank God for Kate Heightmeyer.

Rodney came out of the bathroom dressed as John was, in old, comfy boxers. He crawled onto his side of the bed and propped his head on his hand. He hadn't turned off the dim bedroom light next to his side of the bed. "You okay?" he asked softly.

"Yeah." John took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he focused on the shadows along the ceiling. "I'm okay."

"Good."

They were silent for a long, comfortable time. With an odd noise, Rodney suddenly leaned over and delicately kissed John's left nipple. John frowned. "Rodney?"

"There's..." Rodney took a shaky breath. "There's a bad one, right here, a new one," he choked out.

John swallowed. "Yeah. I know." He remembered Rodney kissing his scarred skin, over and over again, when they had first become lovers. "There's... there're a lot of them. New ones." He could feel Rodney shaking. "Rodney?"

"I just..." Rodney kissed his skin again. 

"I knew you'd find me," John blurted, turning his head enough to make out Rodney's face in the dim light. "I knew if I just held on, you'd come find me."

"I did. I would," Rodney swore earnestly. "I always will. I'm just sorry that--"

"No. It's okay."

"No, it's _not_ okay!" Rodney flopped over to his back. "I get so angry, I wish I could have made him, made him hurt--"

"It's okay," John insisted. He rolled to his side, propped his head on his arm and looked at Rodney. "You came and got me. That's all that counts."

They were silent so long John thought Rodney might have dozed off -- until he began speaking, in a whisper. "Kate says you can't say it too often, but I think you can. I think if you say it all the time, it kind of loses whatever meaning it has. It becomes trite. And what I feel for you, what I feel for us, it's not trite. Not... I mean, you're..." He turned his head, again, facing John. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me," he continued. "Saying 'I love you' just doesn't have the same, it doesn't really convey everything I want, no, I need, you to know." 

John didn't know what to say. He wanted to agree with Rodney and wanted to disagree. He wanted to speak and couldn't, wanted to forgive and didn't know for what, wanted to...

"I never..." He stopped and coughed, fell back to the bed. It was easier to look at the ceiling instead of at Rodney. "When... Before, when I was, you know, married, or even before that..." Why was it so damn hard to get the words out? "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me too," he said, almost shoving the words out, feeling lame. "I was beginning to think that maybe... that maybe I was defective, in that area. That I wouldn't ever be able to, well, have that feeling. With anyone."

"You're not defective," Rodney said.

"Even when you left, when I let you go, didn't say anything to stop you..." John scrubbed his face with his hands. "It was my fault you left, and I almost screwed it up _again_ when I came to get you back." He sighed. "I'm just so crappy at this."

"Welcome to the club," Rodney muttered. "You're _not_ defective."

"Well, I don't know. I do know I never said that. Before. To anyone. Never really wanted to, didn't think I ever could."

There was another long pause. "You said it to me and forgot you did," Rodney finally said and John could hear the smile in his voice. Before John could say anything else, Rodney leaned over him and kissed him, gently and sweetly. "If you're defective, then I am too."

"Well, I guess it takes one to know one, right?" John said, grinning weakly.

"Shut up and kiss me." 

"I can do that."

It was lovely to lie together in the dim light, on their bed, and kiss each other. John remembered the shape and taste of Rodney's mouth and the feel of his warm body, snug against John's. When Rodney pulled away, it was reluctantly. "I'm sorry I took you for granted," he murmured, kissing John's shoulder. "I know I promised not to, and I swear I won't--"

"It's okay, Rodney," John said, running his fingers through Rodney's short hair. "I think we're _both_ screwing up more than we're doing stuff right. Right from..."

"Yeah, right from the beginning," Rodney sighed.

"Kate says all we have to do is communicate better with each other." In the dim light it was hard to see the expression on Rodney's face but John didn't really have to.

"Well, then, if _that's_ all it takes..."

"Yeah. Piece of cake."

Rodney snorted and John found himself grinning. They went back to kissing, to making out, which was far more satisfying than talking anyway. 

Until John realized he was getting hard.

He jerked back, only saving himself from falling off the bed by the skin of his teeth.

"John? Are you okay?" Rodney had pulled back too, his face alarmed.

"I... I just..." He was trembling. Why was he trembling?

Rodney swallowed noisily. "A flashback?" he whispered.

"I... I..." He didn't know. Wasn't sure. Needed something, was shaking for it and he didn't know what it was.

After a second, Rodney murmured, "Let me try something."

There were words that couldn't come out, harsh words, words that scared him. Rodney was the one good with words, not him. But he trusted Rodney, trusted him with his life, so he nodded. He hoped Rodney understood.

Rodney did. Instead of being overtly sexual, Rodney just began soothing John with touches and caresses. He kept up a low-level hum in the back of his throat as he used his fingertips to delicately stroke the rough spots on John's skin; the old scars and the new ones. 

"Close your eyes," he murmured and John knew that wasn't good, knew it was... "No. I can't, Rodney, it's, I--"

"Oh, that was stupid," Rodney muttered to himself. "I'm sorry. Leave them open. Prop your head up on pillows, make sure you can see me."

He waited until John was situated to his satisfaction before he went back to touching. "I can feel the scars without looking at them," he said. John watched Rodney read his skin like it was Braille, big, strong fingers dancing over him, making him shiver. It was almost too dim, but from what John could see, Rodney had his concentration face on. It was the look he got whenever he was intent on a puzzle, thinking about something touchy, something fragile. Something important.

After a few minutes, Rodney leaned down and began kissing and delicately licking along the same paths as his fingers. John could feel himself harden and had to rein in an inappropriate reaction. This was _Rodney_ , Rodney was safe, wouldn't do anything to hurt him. 

When Rodney reached the edge of John's boxers, he paused, looked up at John. "Can I?" he asked, skimming his fingers along the edge of the material.

John couldn't speak, but he could nod, and he did. Rodney was very careful to move slowly, to maintain eye-contact as much as possible. He didn't even completely undress John -- instead, he gently pulled John's boxers down, over his genitals, sliding them so the waistband was across his upper thighs. 

"You are the strongest, bravest, best man I have ever known," Rodney breathed and John could feel the heat from that breath hit his cock, making it stir and begin to harden again. "And you're smart, too, which is like the icing on the cake."

John had to laugh at that, but his chuckle was choked off when Rodney licked a broad stripe up John's dick. 

"And you taste good -- like the icing is chocolate." Rodney pressed his nose into the space at the top of John's thigh and breathed deeply. "I want to make you feel as good as that insane motherfucker made you feel bad," he added, in a muffled, shaking voice. 

Before John could say anything, Rodney gently swallowed him down. He gasped and tried to keep his eyes from closing so he could watch. Rodney was a connoisseur at giving head, he claimed to love it, and the evidence certainly backed-up that claim. Before he could blink, John was hard and moaning. He hoped the increased trembling was just because of his pleasure and not some damn flashback or something worse -- he pushed it all from his head and tried to concentrate on what Rodney was doing to him. Rodney slurped and sucked and whimpered. John could feel him rubbing against the bed even as he continued to swallow around John's dick.

The pleasure from Rodney's mouth managed to finally outweigh John's fear of... something, he shoved it aside, planning on thinking about it about the time the sun burned out, and he suddenly realized how close he was to coming. His garbled warning rolled off Rodney, who just increased his suction until John came, so hard and so strong it felt like his whole body locked up. 

When he finally came back down, he was limp as a cooked noodle and purely incapable of any higher brain functions. He knew he was forgetting something, something important. Rodney pulled himself up John's body until his head was resting on John's chest and it was then John remembered. "I should... let me..." His words were as slurred as he felt.

"No need," Rodney gasped. "Too late..."

"Wha--?" Abruptly John realized what Rodney was saying. "You... did you...?"

"Yeah." Rodney chuckled as he panted for air. "It's been a while."

John almost felt like crying. Rodney had come in his _shorts_ just from making John come. "C'mere," he murmured, urging Rodney closer. 

"Wait," Rodney said, getting up on his hands and knees and kissing John, deep and sloppy. "Let me clean up or it'll be horrific." Before he got off the bed, though, he pulled John's shorts up for him.

By the time Rodney returned to bed, John had recovered and was nearly asleep. Rodney did his usual rooting around under the covers before tentatively molding his body to John's. "Is this okay?" he asked in a whisper.

"More than okay," John replied. That was the last thing he remembered before he fell asleep. 

Neither of them had nightmares that night.

end


End file.
